exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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