i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
