and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You smell like stripper and shame
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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