He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
