You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
