in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My ass is underappreciated
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
