Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
