Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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