Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
