I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
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She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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