If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.