Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
