Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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