eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
