At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
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