So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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