My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
