I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
