My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
