it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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