I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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