Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
