Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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