maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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