Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
