there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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