I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
