Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
