last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She's the barista slut.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
