Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Farmville is her only friend.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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