Soap is not a condiment
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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