hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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