DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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