I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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