masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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