I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
