Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
