I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
