im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
no. you can't hotbox the world.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Randomize
