I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
