There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
