after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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