Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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