Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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