You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
