I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
