there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
