So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
