It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
