i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
