i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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