Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
