apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
