It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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