and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
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You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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