We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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