It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
