i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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