once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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