I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
