im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
