so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
